Saturday, September 10, 2011

Words- Yours.

I believe. No believed in words. No, I still do. But words sometimes are slippery as stones that have been left in water a long time. Sometimes, when I try to grasp at them they slide from my fingers as I try to examine them. Sometimes, they tumble upon me crushing me beneath them. I try to find meaning, my will swings between love, confusion, grief and remorse, and my heart won't stop stinging. What else do words bring?

"You'll forget"- you say with such conviction. Is that the nature of sorrow? That it fades with time? I believe otherwise. It stays lodged below the surface of things- a stubborn thorn beneath the fingernail, making itself felt every time one brushes against it. My petty mind cannot encompass the fact that "you forget" because unfortunately I am not as evolved. When I hear the words replay in my mind over and over I feel a huge emptiness yawning beneath my feet, ready to swallow me.

I have waited, impatient for a tone I heard a long time ago- the sound of temple bells that resonates, a voice as gentle as a brook wending through pebbles- the only safe and comfortable place - so safe -so undemanding. But your other words- like rumors flit around my ears like dusky moths. Maybe there are insidious bits of truth in each one of them.

I am struck by how brief a passing moment is. How revenge can be such an overpowering force for you. I feel like a tiny boat rocking unmoored on the shore of a huge ocean waiting to see where the currents will carry me. There is an unexpected freedom in understanding that one was not as important as one had always assumed!

A fragrance, a sight, a smell - a single regret explodes in my heart, filling it with showers of burning sparks. I am still unwilling to let go. Your words had struck like hot iron, branding them in my brain. I want to live it all again- with wisdom this time!

I am a child in my mother's house, chasing after butterflies reading Misha and dreaming of love. I chase after the butterfly that evades me, sweaty and teary until my friend holds out a hand. the butterfly lands on it, and silently the hand is extended to me. And, I understanding something beyond my years then, don't grab it but gently stroke its dusty yellow wings.



13 comments:

chikita said...

mmmmm...i empathize with what you are trying to say...there is pain and now you feel it is never going to be the same again.

but if disappointments of love are taken seriously and there is a never ending regret, which one of us would survive?? take what life gives you, as a gift..do not question it...

there are other and more wholesome experiences in life, waiting with open arms and if you will, there are less chances of being hurt!!!

maybe resilience was invented by a human heart that never gave up being happy!!!

hoping you will be happy again...

chikita said...

if a person truly loves another...whatever the circumstances..will never say words that pain...

if it happens, then there is prudence in not attaching any importance to such words...

one can always fantasize that maybe it was confusion, anger or the circumstance...better realize that u did not get the respect...if you did not get the respect, its not worth it!!

chikita said...

BTW very well written..the choice of words, the mood and metaphors...interesting..

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on a very well written piece.

I second Chikita that one can always fantasize that maybe it was confusion, anger or the circumstance. And perhaps, its difficult but the best way to train your mind.

Truth said...

Well written Anu.... but pain is a passing phase... for joy comes next... I agree with Chikita, if a person truly loves another, whatever the circumstances, will never say words that hurt.. I am sure you will find true love soon, someone who doesn't wanna change you but loves you for what you are...

cc said...

@ all: Its not about pain... or lost love or loss. its the quality of words to impact life... and change its course. just words... something that i love- words- so powerful...words are all you need to make some shatter and words are all you need to be whole again. theres really nothing i love or fear more than words- they are magical. it is my one true love Truth!

chikita said...

is it not that you attach importance to those words as they are said by a 'person who matters very much to you' and all said and done. those words that seem to shatter you, what they say about you or blame on you is true?? if not, why bother??

cc said...

there is no blame. words can sometimes be like an angry tide... but they are also silken ties :) why are you being so negative chikita? life is really never about absolutes... you must have also felt the intoxication of words, the desire to hurt but hold back, the brunt of words... the quality of ruins. it touches all our lives but one must be like chaai- strong and brewed. sometimes others words are like that too- strong & brewed. the hotter the water the stronger the tea. something makes the water hot.

chikita said...

well, sorry if you felt my 'words' are negative!

appreciate the deep thought u gave to words and what they can do.

if life is not about absolutes... life's journey would be aimless moorings....cc may say that there is excitement in that... i agree!

cc said...

Chikita life is an adventure- who knows what it may bring as long as happiness comes with it who cares :) right?

chikita said...

cc..u sure sound optimistic..already..ha ha ha

cc said...

i do not have a sunny disposition- it is a battle against dark waves but i try not to be vanquished...

chikita said...

silence for now :)...please quit the melancholy ..love & hugs, sme
sorry i am persistent ...love the wild cc!!