Thursday, September 22, 2011


My first impression on waking was that of light. Light dancing of the the temple tree flowers, light sluicing through the bamboos, light shaping the folds of the blue skies that came down to meet the grass. Curled up in bed I watch the dance of light outside my huge glass wall. I had refused to draw the blinds the last night so I could wake up to light.
Jumping out of bed I open the glass & let the light in & let the wind wash over me. Peace. The wind never fails to delight me. My feet sink into the grass and mud. I laugh remembering my mother- she tried so hard to teach me to wear my footwear before stepping into a garden space. I'm thirty today and I'm still barefoot in the grass! Still a child.

I wonder if I'm supposed to feel different? Have a big life changing moment? Have some great revelation. There is no earth shattering insight- I like that. Light has come after much darkness I choose to enjoy it, without thought, without question, without past without future.

Peace gives way to my great musings. I wonder what cake I am going to get myself today. Apple spice, a chocolate tart? Do I have some new clothes to wear? Will I treat myself to something exciting? What may it be? I am amused- I "ought" in more conventional worlds be thinking about the larger picture- kids, life and so on, things that the world thinks is important!

I wave at the gardner who brings me flowers each day. I like the simplicity of my world. My feet in the grass. The wind in my face. Flowers in my hand. Open spaces and warm hearts. That is what my world is made of. Small bits of happiness. Chuckling to myself I acknowledge that maybe I am unconventional- I like going "home" occasionally. I don't miss my bed or my cupboard. I like flitting in and out of what is familiar. I like being like the wind blowing through leaves leaving no trace but in memory. I realize I am the nun and the gypsy. I am peace with the dichotomy and I am happy. I am thirty. I am crazily in love with myself just as I was when I was two! I guess time doesn't change somethings!

My promise to myself for starting on the complete wrong side of twenty is to see Russia. A present for the child in me. To laugh a lot, travel, dress to kill and read. Thats for the woman I'm supposed to be!

Thank you all for giving me a fantastic thirty years! I wouldn't be me if not for you!


chikita said...

fantastic..fresh...picturesque.....any reader shall feel the emotions you potrayed....

its all soo much truth and meaning laden...

you seem free and wild..wild wild like a fairy of the woods. liberated, happy, gleeful and stoic..

you know what you know where you are laying your feet in the path you wish to travel...

am soo happy for you my dear CC!!!

chikita said...

a Stoic achieves happiness by submission to destiny"


Truth said...

Thirty rocks and so do you!!! Kudos on the upbeat start to a fresh new lease of life of thirties! Welcome to the club ;)!!!

Neelu said...

Just the way you are - beautiful!

Happy Birthday Girl!!

Anonymous said...

You remind me of an elf. Fragile looking but so strong, so free so wild so fierce. Can anyone truly possess you ever- it is like you have a secret garden inside of your soul with eternal sunshine that you dish out.... but you are an ice queen with warmth....

I've never met another like you- la belle sans mercy!

May you dwell in peace always

Happy Birthday!

cc said...

Chikita: a wild wild fairy?!
Anon: an elf?
thats flattering!
@ Chikita: No idea where destiny will lead me-hopefully somewhere with peace & love!
@ Truth:thank you
@ Neelu: thanks!
hope you all have a great year too :)